Held Hostage

Since my depression has come back fully, so have my suicidal thoughts. They were really coming on last Sunday and have been on my mind all week. Some days are louder than others, but it all starts with the familiar “oh crap” reaction when I wake up in the morning. I mentioned this during my session on Thursday and as we processed, I was able to put into words something I have felt for a long time.

My depression is he only “person” who never abandons me. It has known me the longest and is always there when the shit hits the fan. On top of that, it does not want me to leave it. It has been a loyal companion, and has always been there for me when I am feeling alone. How could I betray it like that? I know it sounds ridiculous. But this is the dynamic of our relationship. I suppose it’s an abusive relationship at best.

Another relationship that made itself evident is that of me with myself.

I mentioned to therapist that I’m so so tired of doing all this work. At my most functional I have slight optimism that I am and will be okay. But never any certainty. Never anything lasting more than a few days. The amount of energy it takes to get to this is so much. I told her that the pay off just isn’t worth it. “Payoff?” she asked “It’s an interesting choice of words. When you say that I imagine that you are holding yourself hostage and asking for a ransom.”

“Exactly!” I said, and the family can’t afford the ransom. It’s like I’m saying “That’s all you got? Well, sorry but we’re juts gonna have to kill her off then.

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