This weekend I attended a “Fearless Painting” class at the local community college. When I signed up for it over a month ago, I must have been feeling pretty enthusiastic. But this weekend was a different story. Had I not paid so much for the class and materials, I probably wouldn’t have gone. Since the depression has been back, I just haven’t been able to think well, much less be creative or inspired.
For the most part I was frustrated. I kept getting stuck in my paintings. When the instructor would do a demo, I would get some inspiration and motivation, but then I’d start painting, it was just a mess. I couldn’t mix pain right and the paint wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do on the canvas. Both days I was close to leaving early. I have no idea what kept me there really.
In the end I was able to create something that I was okay with. It wasn’t so much the finished project I was okay with, but the process that enjoyed (somewhat). I also got the idea for two projects so we’ll see if they get started.
What was interesting was remembering how I painted much looser and with more freedom when I was younger. I was insecure then but I took more risks in my paintings then.
This weekend it became painfully evident that the years have really closed the walls in on my confidence. I am so much more constricted than before. It was pretty painful to know that my inner critic has taken up so much of my life.