My stress level is pretty high right now. I might lose my job, I might not. Either way I can feel myself disappearing, detaching, and dissolving.
As I drove home today it became much clearer to me that I only exist if others see me, know me, hear me, or keep me in mind. I don’t mean this as only my truth, but as an absolute truth. It’s merely a different version of the question “If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”. What exists depends on the sensory receptors of the receiver. So therefore, I only exist if others see me, know me, hear me, keep me in mind.
A deceased person stays alive by those who remember them, so why can’t it be true of the living?
I kept ruminating on this and in doing so felt a very core wound. It was the mixture of feeling and seeing myself as an infant crying and not getting attended to. I learned then, as so many infants do, that if no one saw me then I must not exist.
All my life I have been grasping to exist. Like a blind person searching for a vision, I have searched for someone to confirm that, yes, I exist.
I have been feeling like this as it is and having my workplace reinforce that what I am experiencing isn’t true or valid, doesn’t help.