Since things have settled a bit in the drama department, I’m feeling some anxiety.
My therapist asks me how much of it do I think is a) me stirring the pot (ACA trait of being addicted to excitement/stress/drama, chaos, etc.), and how much of it is b) feeling more due to the stillness. I tell her its equal amounts of both.
Yup, holding the paradox again.
I tell her that I’ve been feeling and thinking about past loves. M, T, and J are on my mind and I feel a deep weight in my heart. I basically just feel really sad. All I can think is “they’re not coming back”.
We looked at the 5 stages of loss and reflected on the idea that I am in a deeper stage of acceptance. I think it feels more like depression. I know these stages are cyclical. You don’t always get to check one off and move to the next. I’ve definitely been at the acceptance stage (as listed in the link) with J and T, but lo and behold, here I am back at depression.