Consciousness Earthquake (and the overuse of parentheses)

It seems like every other month (or is it every other week?) I am challenged by another false belief (aka belief that no longer serves me). I liken it to an earthquake because issues get stirred up, painful memories rise to the surface to be healed (just a little more), the old and new collide, the landscape of my consciousness shifts, and new awareness is created.

The more I do the work (live the work), the more I have come to recognize the pattern. In a way it’s comforting because I don’t freak out as much when I start to feel hopeless and scared (depression and anxiety). Don’t get me wrong, I still freak out, but it now comes with the smallest amount of faith that it will pass and I will grow from it.

Yesterday I began to feel overwhelmed at the loss of my mother, fiancée, and career.  I cried in feeling that I am alone and that I worked so hard to end up loosing it all. I’m tired and scared to start again. I don’t trust my decisions. After all, look where my decisions have landed me.

Anyhow, I brought this up in counseling today and we looked at my merging with my mother. As I said in a previous post, my mom did not show up in her life. When she passed away I became energized with the passion to life my life on purpose, in honor of herself and me. It was a way for me to actualize the fact that her life was not sacrificed in vain. I was making up for her not showing up.

As the years passed, this deliberate living tribute became habit and moved into a more subconscious place. Every once in a while it would move to the forefront. Everytime I would speak up, she was there. Everytime I stayed quiet, she was there. Everytime I traveled, discovered a new sewing technique, tried to tame my thin hair, she was there. My therapist was quick to show me that this dance with her was not allowing for anything new to come into my life. How can I have the relationship and career I want when she, my mother, is so merged with me and taking up so much space?

Of course I am aware that I’m afraid to lose this merging because it is a connection to her. It’s that part of grieving where one doesn’t want to stop grieving because doing so feels like a final goodbye.My therapist asks if I want to keep living my mother’s life for her or if I want to live my life for myself. I tell her I don’t know. Both options feel impossible. I begin to feel cornered. She asks if I’m open to entertaining the idea that a healthy transition is possible. I tel her I might.

A few hours later I am reading “The Artist’s Way” and I run across the following quote by Carl G. Jung “Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the un-lived life of the parent.”

Then tonight in Prosperity group, a woman shares her experience in finally recognizing when to take care of herself before succumbing to illness. This triggers something in me.

I begin to realize that her healing is my healing, is my mothers healing, is my cultures healing, is woman and mankind’s healing. There is only one of us here right? I share my burgeoning shift in consciousness. “How is living her life holding me back from receiving? What does it mean to no longer live my life for her? What does that look like? Is it even possible in this lifetime?”

Then another woman speaks. She is one who, every time she speaks, opens my heart in ways I have never felt. Simply she says “I used to live my life for her, and now, I live mine and still appreciate all her goodness”. I then begin to feel a bit of hope. Although I still don’t know what it looks like to authentically live my life, this woman just showed me what lies ahead

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