Still Here

I’m back at work after a short birthday vacation to Austin. Before I left I was still feeling the blahs, and that feeling went right with me to Texas.

Usually I love exploring when I travel to unknown places, but this time I just felt so alone (granted I am always traveling alone). I landed on Wednesday and was ready to come home Thursday. I had no motivation and felt like I was just dragging myself around town. What wasn’t helping was the fact that my arms and hands were in such pain.

Since early January my arms have bothering me at night. They hurt to the point where I wake up 3-4 times a night. Then on vacation they were bothering me during the day. Any movement where I would bend my arm (using the phone, writing, holding my jacket, etc.) was painful. So my limited mobility and depression made it hard for me to be present and enjoy myself. It was enough for me to actually stay in bed for hours. Luckily my last night there made up for it as (somehow) I had enough energy to go out and explore the nightlife.

Interestingly enough, it was during this time that I was offered a job back home. Currently I work 45 minutes from where I live. I’ve worked for that place for 10 years and although I loved it one point, the last 2 years have been pretty painful. I stopped doing Social Work and started doing Administrative Assistant work. I was doing that work waiting to see if I’d be ready to come back to Social Work at some point. But my job has set the deadline for me to decide and I realized I could no do Social Work within the parameters they require.

So in leaving my current job, not only am I leaving a system I’m familiar with, but I’m also shutting the door that leads back to Social Work within that system. My new job pays less (a lot less), is along the administrative assistant realm, and is local. During my vacation, I was freaking out at the fact that my hands and arms are in such pain. How am I gonna start a new job like this? Is this a sign for me not to take it? Am I sabotaging myself? Why do I have such crappy timing?

So yeah, I’ve been back for almost a week now. My blahs got pretty intense and I’m kinda just muddling through. Truth is I’m scared and unhappy with my life and still don’t know how to live a life where I can support myself doing work that I feel purpose in. Admin work is doable and pays the bills. but it depresses me too. I wish I knew what I wanted to do.


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