Critical Parent

My first week at the new job has my inner critic/critical parent coming to the forefront loud and clear.

I’m new to the system, which is huge, and has a lot of processes to learn about. The job is brand new and is a huge departure from Social Work. My co-worker who started with me is familiar with this type of work, so she asks all the right questions and takes more initiatives. I feel so inadequate and so dumb. How did my supervisor ever think I was a good candidate for this job? Sure there are some transferable skills, but overall, I know nothing about this type of work.

It’s hard to keep perspective. It’s hard to remember why I chose to transfer to a job where I work more hours and get paid so much less. It’s hard to remember that I can and will learn the ropes of this new job. That this will add to my work experience. That in the end, I will learn a lot more than just new job skills.

There is a battle inside about failure and success. About stepping away from a career that I worked so hard for. My therapist asks me “When did it become a burden?”

I suppose it was when my mom died and my fiancée left me. I was in my third year of school and felt like school was my life raft. It was what kept me sane and focused. I was good at it, and knew that I was safe there. Before it was a dream of success, and at that point, it became a need to succeed out of feeling so alone.

It’s hard to remember that failure and success is an illusion of bars set by the ego. It’s pretty hard when I feel like a know-nothing around competent people.

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