When I am stressed, I go back to old habits. It’s just easier do as I don’t have the energy to put new habits into play.
The old habits that I’m using now, are that of being angry, judgmental, and cutting people off. I feel like everything and everyone around me are no longer reliable. I’m constantly being let down and it feels far safer to avoid situations and/or cut people off.
I also know that a part of me being let down by others is my fear to speak up for myself. Not in all situations, and not all the time, but when I am feeling vulnerable (like now) my silence is rampant.
So instead of speak up, I shut down and cut-off. It’s safer. I am afraid to speak up because I am afraid of being rejected or getting a negative response.
For example: A support group friend starts to talk about someone else in our group. What she is saying about this person, I consider to be confidential information. This triggers in me a feeling of not being able to trust her with anything I say. I begin to feel uneasy, angry, sad, and closed down. I feel like I can’t say anything to this person now and it feels like a loss. This is an opportunity to speak up and tell her how I feel uneasy and afraid. But I don’t, and instead, talk about it as a general topic. In this case I am too afraid of hurting her and getting a nasty response.
What’s been exhausting is noticing all the times in which I feel crossed, disrespected, or neglected. It seems like I don’t have a waking hour where I have to attend to this. My inner child(ren) are like fussy needy kids and I don’t have a tranquil moment to myself. I start off my day by speaking up for myself, but as they day goes on, and the number of incidences rise, I am just too plain exhausted to even speak up.
Something about this feels very big and messy.
Emotional recovery is a long road, and I am so impatient.