Coming to Terms

I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster these last two weeks as my brother’s condition is getting worse.

I went to see him last Friday as he’s back in the hospital. He lives about 3 hours away and it’s tough not being able to be there. When I got there I was shocked at his condition. Hollow, small, thin, jaundiced, non-responsive. I’ve seen that look in others just before they pass on. It scared me to see him in such a state. I had just seen him last month and he looked like his normal self then. But the liver cancer and diabetes seem to be fighting each other.

Since then it’s been a waiting game. Waiting for the doctor’s to see him. Waiting for their input. Waiting so see what after-care is available.

Then yesterday, I got word that the Doctors and specialists agreed that my brother is terminal. They are stopping his cancer treatment and proceeding with “comfort care”. They give him 2 weeks to a month.

It’s been a cycle of feeling too much and shutting down. I know a lot of me is in denial. I keep saying to myself, “Really? Am I sure I heard right? These are the facts right? Can’t be. It’s all so final.”

Death is inevitable. No one escapes it. AND, this is my brother. Youngest of all the boys. I will never again see him as I knew him. I will never again have a conversation with him like before. That person is already gone. But he is still here and, although I’m going to see him this weekend, I hope I can be there when he transitions.


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