When what I know in my head drops down to my heart, I begin to feel dizzy. The first time I realized this, I remember feeling incredibly vulnerable and unsafe. I also felt lost and scared, as if what I knew to be true had suddenly vanished. And to a degree it had.
Although it felt as if what I knew had vanished, what was actually happening was, it had changed. What I was knew in my mind had grown into something much bigger, that which is called my Witness Self or Observer. This Witness Self/Observer is the part of you that has no judgement. It simply sees what is. This is also the part of you that you access during meditation. Additionally, this is the part of me that gets bigger everytime what I know in my mind drops into my heart space.
This has happened enough times now that I am not afraid of it anymore. When my insight drops to a deeper place, and I feel dizzy, I am aware that a shift in consciousness has just happened. I try to just be with it and allow it to unfold and settle. Instead of being a scary thing, it is now very calming.
I am also aware that my ego is quite scared of loosing some control, and that negative thoughts (doubt) will creep in. In the past this would be the place where I would feel depression again. This would also be when I felt most Bi-polar, because I would go from a state of bliss to a state of desperation within hours.
What I have noticed lately is that, as my witness self has grown, the negative thoughts and worry has become quieter. I can still hear them, but they have no charge. I’m well aware that there may be times when the shift is threatening enough to my ego, that the worry will be louder, but I will deal with that when, and if, the time comes.
As I write this I am reminded of a story I heard over 10 years ago.
The Two Wolves
A Cherokee elder was teaching his grandchildren about life.
He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me… it is a terrible fight between two wolves.
One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, hatefulness, and lies.
The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, humbleness, kindness, friendship, generosity, faith, and truth.
This same fight is going on inside of you, and inside every other person, too.”
The children thought about it for a minute. Then one child asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”
The Cherokee elder replied…
“The one you feed.”
For years I wondered how to feed the wolf that stood for love and peace. When I tried, it felt inauthentic, as if it were a huge lie. I would repeat positive affirmations and then crumble under the pressure of my ego saying “Who do you think you’re fooling? That doesn’t apply to you!”
I hate to sound cliche, but it has been the persistence of the journey that has allowed me to ease into this new and deeper knowing. It has been with the help of a healthy positive mentor/counselor and ACA support group that I have begun to understand how to feed the “other” wolf.
Knowing that my ego sends out worry, doubt, and criticism at times of growth has been important in my emotional recovery. It certainly hasn’t happened over night, but last week that knowing dropped into my heart space and my Observer has grown in a way that left me dizzy for several hours. I came home, lay down on the couch, and just allowed myself to settle in to my new home.