Waking the Dead

I have to say that the weeks since by brother died have been tougher than expected. This time around I am feeling uninterested in talking with people, and being alone is painful. I sleep more during my time off from work to make the days “just go away”. This is all to reminiscent of my last depressive episode, so I’m a bit scared.

Initially everything was feeling like normal grieving. Then something happened that slowly pushed things into the realm of further loss.

I received an email from my ex. The dreaded M. In this email he expressed that he wanted to get back together. He wrote about how he missed “us”, and how I would make a good mom for his kids. When I read these words I felt elated and unsettled. I also felt angry and annoyed. I don’t trust him and I have no reason to. I wanted him to know that I could not go back to him. After a few days, I decided to respond to him and asked him to call me. That was over 2 weeks ago. I have yet to hear from him.

So what has this done for me? It’s pulled me deeper into a place of loss. Someone who I said goodbye to a year ago, has decided to wake the dead and then walk away. In his recklessness, I am left alone to say goodbye (yet again) to someone who wasn’t even there. This is such fucked up timing. I have more than my fill of saying goodbye.

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