In recovery, I tend to forget that I don’t have to do EVERYTHING. I tend to forget that natural law (higher power) is there for me to hand anything over to. Anything I don’t understand, anything that feels too hard to change, anything that feels overwhelming. Anything.
So when I was contemplating why it is so hard for me to lose weight, I found myself in a huge internal conundrum. If I know that my unmet needs are at the core of my emotional eating, and if I know that my body is a wondrous and amazing vessel that deserves to be cared for, then why are my actions so contrary? Why do I feel such a resistance when I think of what I cannot have (specific foods) and what I need to do more of (exercise)?
When you look at diets and nutrition plans, they are filled with “good” and “bad” foods. Even if you switch things around and say “think of what you can have!”, there is still a very real awareness that what we are doing is choosing a life of deprivation.
In these times, at a subconscious or concious level, our ego is saying “you are bad, you are horrible, therefore you can’t have __________.” It’s a horrible relationship to have with yourself. To treat yourself like an unruly child who will not listen. All it does is reinforce negative and abuse self-talk. The unmet need of unconditional love and acceptance continues to go unmet and further fuels any addictions already in place.
So what is one to do?
A friend and I contemplated this by looking at the word “willing”. In times of resistance, the word “willing” has become quite a life savor. In this case, we acknowledged that we don’t have to do this alone, nor do we have to have the answers. We can be willing to accept that we are not in control, and can be willing to hand over our challenges with unhealthy behavior to a higher power/natural law/etc.
This lead to remembering that the ego lives in a vacuum. It is separate from natural law/the divine, spirit/god/higher power/etc. The ego believes that everything is dependent on it. However, we are all connected. We don’t live in a vacuum. We are more than our egos, and our ego selves. When we live in ego we live in separation from the whole and everyone. In acknowledging our ego voice, and knowing that it is not our true voice, we take the first step into re-connecting.