Death

This week I have been raw. Emotionally raw. Or is it numb? I can’t quite tell.

Monday night I was affected by three very different experiences. The first experience resulted in me feeling angry. For the second one I was frightened. The third one had me in tears. For each experience, I practiced breaking the pattern of leaving my body and consciously decided to stay in my body. I stayed mindful of the now, noticed when I was future tripping, and cried when I needed to.

When I woke up the next day, I could feel the residual emotions from the night before. As I tried to make this morning like every other morning, I could feel that familiar lump in my throat. I stood frozen in font of the mirror, my eyes fixed somewhere in the distance. “You okay honey?” my boyfriend asked from the bed. “Yeah” I replied, but I knew it wasn’t true. The tears welled up and I knew what I needed. I sat in the living room and cried hard. Then things started to unravel.

Looking back I know that there were two parts of me sitting on that couch; new me and old me. The new me was practicing self-care by allowing myself to do what I needed. The old me was crying and waiting for my boyfriend to comfort me. When he didn’t, I was devastated, and added another layer of hurt to my already raw state. So I reached out. I called my ACA partner and therapist. This helped ground me enough to get back to my day.

Truth be told, my boyfriend has been really good at comforting me in the past. He holds me, asks me what I need, and has been beautifully present with me. This particular morning he was unable to support me as he’s going though his own hurt (I didn’t know this at the time). My mind knows this now, but my heart and little girl are so disappointed, angry, and hurt.

Later that night it was no better. Miscommunication between me and my boyfriend exacerbated my emotions and I went to bed in a mental tail spin.

The next day I made a second appointment with my therapist and processed some of my confusion, anger, disappointment and sadness. A lot of what I am feeling is so similar to when my brothers died last year, as if my world has been pulled out from inside of me and I’m filled with emptiness. I can’t seem to connect with others and feel a deep need for stillness and silence. All I can conceive of is that something inside me is dying, and it frightens me.

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