Anger and action are two things that I fear putting together. My upbringing showed that to do so results in rage and others being hurt. My father bulldozed his way through life wielding rage and anger like a shield and sword. People “respected” him out of fear. They knew that you were either on his good side or his next target. Oh and how easily those positions changes without notice.
Growing up with him taught me how to hide when I felt threatened.
Recently I have been practicing how not to hide in times of perceived threat. In recognizing when I’m “disappearing”, and choosing to be in my body, I have noticed that I get really irritated and angry.
In processing this with my therapist, it became evident that my anger is my dormant animus energy encouraging me to take action.
I have been struggling with harnessing my animus energy for a while now, as male energy is scary to me. Animus energy is masculine energy. It evokes action. I’ve only seen unhealthy male energy in both men and women. On rare occasion, I catch a glimpse of healthy animus energy in someone, but it happens so quickly that I can’t quite see it clearly.
In my past, when I acted in anger it was impulsive. I shot first, asked questions later, then apologized as I mopped up the mess I just made. I don’t dare trust my animus energy with action. If anything I question it now.
And right now I am doing just that.
I told my therapist “I don’t trust my animus energy with action. It has led me down tough paths before. I suffered when I really didn’t need to.
Her response? “Maybe your animus energy has been growing up with you. It didn’t know better before. Just like you, your animus energy has learned a lot. What do you want your animus energy to know right now?”
“That I’m scared. I see what you’re asking me to do. But I need more time”
“Then what if your animus energy gave you more time? What does that feel like?”
“It feels like discernment.”
And there it is. Discernment is wise action. The perfect marriage between heart and mind. Male and female. Anima and animus.
So discernment is happening with some confusion and anxiety mixed in to keep me humble.