Suicide and Susto

***Trigger warning for suicide talk***

Early last month I received the call that a fellow ACA traveller committed suicide. The intensity at which I was impacted surprised me. I cried immediately, sobbed throughout the night, and cried myself to sleep. Although I have lost many people to death, I have never lost anyone to suicide. Some of the emotions were familiar, yet so many were new.

I quickly realized that, the ACA group I have grown to know over the last 4 years, has become a family to me. I realized how protective I am of each member. I realized how much we mean to each other and need each other to heal. As for this man, his suicide hit me hard. We shared our vulnerable stories with the group once a week, we created and held a safe space for each other weekly, and we respectively attended ACA Workbook study groups. Being in the same ACA group is like knowing a secret language, and we spoke this language together. Although we travelled the same healing journey, we did so on our individual paths. When I heard he committed suicide, I was devastated. I felt like I lost a fellow soldier in battle and that he died on my watch.

A week prior, I has attended an amazing training on Shadow and Light Integration. As warned, this training brought up deep and dark thoughts and emotions. I was in it deep, and luckily, was able to meet with one of the provided coaches to help work though the pain. That experience helped to integrate old beliefs with divine aspects of it, resulting in a greater sense of wholeness. By the end, I could feel the emergence of a new self. It wasn’t a blissful experience, but it was new and raw. As the days passed I felt more alive and whole.

And then I received the call about the suicide.

Since then I have felt as if I am not in my body. I have slowed things down, meditated more, re-connected to my body, and taken the time to enjoy things that bring me pleasure. And yet, I feel as if I am not in my body. I wondered if this were some form of susto. So I processed this experience with my counselor. As I talked with my counselor I couldn’t quite find the right words as I felt like I was in a fog. Because of her patience, the fog slowly began to take shape.

I explained to my counselor that I felt as if me and my fellow ACA group members were like rabbits in an open field. We created a sense of safety there, and we traveled our paths together. We fed off what we needed. I began to be nourished by food that helped me emerge in to a new self. I was feeling new and alive. Then, out of the blue, a hawk swooped down and snatched up one of us. The illusion of safety was shattered and I ran and hid. I began to believe that it was not safe to “show up” in life and be visible. My newer emerging self was too new to hold this tragedy, and so, I reverted to an old familiar place. That of being a victim, where life happens “to me”. This old way of thinking is familiar, and from an ego stance, much safer.

I’m not sure how much longer this place of disembodiment will last, but I do know that I need to allow ,myself time to come back.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Body Pains | the lotus experience

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