There are parts of us that we have disowned and rejected. Greedy, selfish, wealthy, poor, beautiful. The list goes on and on of shadow parts that we do not want to associate with, and absolutely do not want others to see in us. When we reject these shadow parts of ourselves, what ever they may be, they hold us back, and commonly sabotage us.
There are also the parts of ourselves that are rejected that, at first glance, we may not identify as “rejected”, yet they hold us back all the same. When our “Rise Up Break Through – Blast Off 2015” facilitator Ben Saltzman asked us to identify a part of us that is rejected and holds the self back, I had a hard time finding it. I asked myself, “what belief about myself holds me back?” The answer came quickly: “The belief that I am broken and inadequate.
Even though the answer came quickly, I was still confused. How can “broken and inadequate” be rejected if I knowingly stand in that belief when I begin new endeavors? If I am planning a project, I am immediately flooded with thoughts of “You’re not good enough”, “Who do you think you are?” and “You have no idea what you are doing”. This belief sounds pretty owned to me.
As we went through the Shadow/Light Integration process, my brain kept twisting and turning, trying to get how “broken and inadequate” was rejected. After a few prompts, it hit me. The fact that I hate this part of me, makes it a rejected part of me.
Once that connection was made I could follow into the exploration and integration process of “broken and inadequate”.
What I found out was that “broken and inadequate” is a very young part (as many parts are). My process was quite complex, so to keep it simple, I’ll sum up a portion of it in a Q & A format.
Q: What was the original intent of “broken and inadequate”?
A; “Broken and inadequate’s” purpose and original intent was to care for me. Keep me safe by not letting me get in over my head. It told me to get ready, get prepared and collect more information before taking action, It helped keep the process slow, steady, and digestible.
Q: How did “broken and inadequate”get disowned (how was it “born”)?
A: When I showed up as confident I was yelled at and told I was selfish, taking up too much space, and drawing too much attention to myself. I was was being selfish and conceited. Then when I showed up “broken and inadequate” I was criticized for not being confident.
Q: How does “broken and inadequate” show up when it is disowned/rejected?
A: It collects information. Can get obsessed about collecting information in order to feel “enough”. Collects knowledge and creates a hindrance by learning a lot but not acting on the knowledge. I play small and don’t get to share what I have to offer to others. I settle.
Q: How will “broken and inadequate” show up once it is accepted and owned?
A: “Broken and Inadequate” creates safe spaces by connecting to other’s vulnerability. It can also give big “action” jobs to the part that is “whole and competent”. I can access “Broken and inadequate” to connect with people’s inadequate parts and help them be seen and heal. “Broken and inadequate.” gets to declare possibility, creativity, and love in order to create healing spaces. It can begin began and follow through with projects that create healing spaces with the hep of “whole and competent”. Obstacles become opportunities. When “broken and inadequate” is integrated it can be bold, and big, and create, and tap into love and compassion when needed.
“Broken and Inadequate” says:
I get to hold that space for them.
I get to hold that space they don’t get in the “real” world.
I get to tell and show the self where healing is needed.
I get to show her what needs attention.
Like the wound that is red and sore, I show where the healing is needed and where healing is taking place.
This is only a small part of the Shadow/Light Integration process. It’s an experience one must go through to get the transformation of a disowned part to an integrated part. I share this experience as a glimpse of my own healing and growth process. Check out Ben Saltzman‘s website for opportunities on this and other types of transformational experiences.