Day 2: Envy

envy

Early in Day 2 of the “Rise Up Break Through – Blast Off 2015” workshop, we explored the passions of each enneagram type. According to the Enneagram Institute, “The Passions represent an underlying emotional response to reality created by the loss of contact with our Essential nature.” At best, each passion is a misguided coping strategy that we can learn from to regain our connection with our essential nature.

As a type four, my passion is Envy. It is the deep longing and wanting for something you don’t have. You can imagine how being in a large group and admitting your are envious can feel somewhat embarrassing. However, going through the process with others of recognizing out passions felt incredibly supportive.

We paired up to explore how our passions showed up and impacted our personal and professional lives. As I wrote down my reflections of this exercise, I began to realize, on a deeper level, how I hadn’t realized that, for so many years, I was living from an “out there” perspective. I always thought that happiness and fulfillment was “out there”, and everyone else seemed to be getting the goodies that were “out there” but me. I spent so may years chasing down what I thought was “out there”, which resulted in more misery as I could rarely achieve the happiness I was in search of. I knew I was envious, as it’s a trait I can recall having since childhood, but I didn’t realize that being envious had believing that happiness and fulfillment was “out there” somewhere.I know now that happiness and fulfillment are not “out there”, but rather inside me, and because it is inside of me, it is with me wherever I go. Now, of course, I slip into old patterns, however, it feels good to not live in those patterns anymore.

I also realized that I used to think envy fueled me. It was my whipping stick I used to convince myself to do better. Additionally, I believed I needed to suffer in order to reap the reward. It was the perfect set-up.

In my relationship, I noticed that when I am envious of others relationships and comparing my relationship to others, I am not honoring the relationship I am in. In being envious an comparing, I don’t get to see my relationship for what it is, and as a result, I miss out of discerning what I need from my relationship. Additionally, I do not honor myself or my partner when I compare us to others relationships.

The bottom line for me and envy is that envy blinds me to “what is”. It traps me in old stories and steals my presence in the here and now. It robs me of having a relationship with myself. And it robs me of my potential.

During the large group share, a type four shared her reflections which hit me deeply. She mentioned how envy can still show up for her, even when she is trying to avoid envy. She described how avoiding envy makes her play small, and keeps her from playing with “bigger” people. This way, she gets to be big and doesn’t have to envy anyone. In doing so she also settles for less, and likes “the less” as she doesn’t have to be envious. This really hit me, as it forced me to see how I do this as well, and it was quite a jolt to my system.

These types of realizations aren’t always pretty, but they can show us where we can grow and heal. This is what I love about these events. Doing deep work with a group of people on the same journey has been supportive in ways I have needed for along time.

If you would like to know more about your enneagram type, and they ways in which in which it holds you back, and can propel you forward, I highly recommend signing up for Ben Saltzman’s free enneagram teleseminar series.  Although it has already started, you can still register for the upcoming calls and gain access to the replays.

For more information, and to register, go to: http://myaccount.maestroconference.com/conference/register/8CNRA3DNIEQ2H850 

To read more about the types and passions, go to: http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/history.asp#.VP2yMmTF8rt

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