Day 2: Now You See Me, Now You Don’t


In a previous post, I discussed Day 2 of the “Rise Up Break Through – Blast Off 2015” workshop, where we addressed each Enneagram type in depth as a group. Listening to other Fours describing the challenges and benefits of our type helped me to see my blind spots a bit more.

In addition to getting to know my Outsider better, I realized a major pattern I have that impacts my relationship to others. What was significant about this, was realizing that I do this pattern ALL THE TIME and only now, was just becoming aware of it.

This pattern is: connecting with people and then disappearing. Sometimes the connection can be shallow and casual (not my favorite, but needed for situations like work), or deep and intense (my favorite). However, no matter the depth of connection, sustaining that connection can become exhausting, scary, and/or disappointing. In any case, the connection is unsustained.

Connection is deeply longed for by type fours. The deer the connection, the better (or so we can think). Simultaneously, we can fear being seen, even though we desire being seen. The fear of others seeing our perceived flaws is too intense to continue the connection, so poof! Off we go!

What also commonly happens is we idealize what the person and the connection with them can be like, and when the reality of who they are, and how we connect, doesn’t measure up to our idealized image, we are sorely disappointed, and can even get angry about it. Then (you guessed it) poof! Off we go! It’s the perfect lose-lose situation.

What it can feel like for others is the inability to truly connect with us (which is what we want right? Genuine connection?). We never really get to land with anyone, and social situations can feel awkward because of it. I know I frequently feel like other people think I am crazy because I can connect with them, then vanish. Then when others are uncomfortable with me, I interpret it as something is wrong with me. Another lose-lose situation.

Hearing other Fours talk about this experience not only helped me feel less alone and ashamed of this pattern, it began the process of me noticing how I do this and exploring why. This is a new area of growth and healing for me, and as uncomfortable as it is, I am so grateful for having the opportunity to do so.

If you would like to know more about your enneagram type, and they ways in which in which it holds you back, and can propel you forward, I highly recommend signing up for Ben Saltzman’s free enneagram teleseminar series.  Although it has already started, you can still register for the upcoming calls and gain access to the replays.

For more information, and to register, go to: 


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