During Day 3 of the “Rise Up Break Through – Blast Off 2015” workshop, we practiced Circling, “an organic, in-the-moment interpersonal process“. During one of our Circling exercises, a few people reflected to me that I have a very grounding presence. I found this curious as, during the weeks leading up to the event, a few people also mentioned this about me as well. Although I very consciously ground myself when I am in groups so that I can offer this to others when they are deep in emotion, a different part of me always feels a bit surprised that it is felt by others. For the most part I am surprised as I feel like a bitch on most days.
Bleeaachhh! I hate that word, but in being honest, I must say that I usually feel like a bitch because I like to spend time alone, can be very impatient, and can be very judgmental or critical when stressed. When I mentioned this during the Circling exercise, the people in our circle were really surprised. Their impression of me was “grounded”, my impression of me was “bitch”, even though my grounding was intentional. Something about being quiet and not extroverted feels stand-off-ish, and triggers my sense of feeling like a bitch.
Initially it felt strange to be so honest. Is this really what I am choosing strangers to know about me? That I am secretly a bitch? However, I was a bit surprised that most of me felt relieved to say it out loud. Maybe it was a relief to bring it out into the light instead of hiding it out of fear that others may discover that part the hard way.
Afterwards, I was reflecting on how the bitch shows up in my life. I have kept her in the shadows for so long, that letting her be known put me in a place to wonder what her role is in my life. In questioning this I realized that, on the downside, I can use presence, grounding, and holding space, to mask my bitch. On the positive end, the bitch helps me hold space for myself, in the same way that I hold space for others. She protects what I need and makes sure I practice self-care.
Although she can be impatient and judging, I appreciate her strength and ability to help me stand up for myself, and give myself what I need. In accepting this part of myself, I now realize that I truly want the bitch to be redefined and renamed. Sure I could keep the word bitch and redefine it. However, I want her to be truly integrated and transformed. I think she deserves it.