A Deeper Call to Being Child-Free

I knew from the age of 4 that I did not want to have children. "I'm going to have puppies!" was my declaration every time someone imposed their kid-wanting assumptions on me (when I was just a kid myself. Why do people do that?). Throughout my childhood, I didn't like dolls and preferred stuffed animals....

Re-Adjusting: Resurrection and Transformation

If you have ever experienced the death (or loss) of a loved one, you know that your life becomes a series of firsts. First birthday without them, first holiday, first year, and so on. So here I am in my first month without him. These last 30-days have been a slow drip through the surreal....

Saying Goodbye, Part 11: Earthquakes and Landscapes

I awoke on Wednesday to my first day home without my father. I had spent the greater part of February in his home 3-hours away, in an unexpected whirlwind of emotional chaos, intense vulnerability, and the eventual release of him as I watched him being taken away for cremation. I know enough to not expect...

Goodbye Part 10: Earthquakes

The next few days felt silent. I took things slowly and found comfort in the company of my sisters. We shared memories about our father and continued to ask questions out of confusion. I mean really, what just happened? It was all so fast, so confusing, and so severe. We continued to re-trace our steps,...

Saying Goodbye, Part 9: Silent Departure

Friday morning came and I checked-in on my dad. His breathing was so peaceful and easy. He sounded like he was having the best sleep of his life, like he should be laying in the grass in the park on a late Sunday afternoon. I looked up at my sister who sat next to him...

Saying Goodbye, Part 8: Hospice Begins

Sunday came and dad made it home. The admitting hospice nurse showed us how to care for our dad, and answered any questions we had. When she left I was nervous and anxious. It was up to us now, to make sure our dad was comfortable, safe, and cared for. At this point there were four...

Saying Goodbye, Part 7: The Wee Small Hours

I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, so I decided to stay overnight at the hospital. As you may know, when you stay overnight as a guest, you don't really sleep. The pull out bed is okay, but the nurse visits every 2-hours and hospital noises prevent sleep from happening. I...

Saying Goodbye, Part 6: Acceptance (Sort of)

Thursday came and we told the attending physician about our decision to begin comfort care at the hospital. As the doctor spoke with us, the nurses began removing my father's off his IVs. I found this to be extremely disrespectful. This was a major decisions, and we didn't have the change to be with my father as...

Saying Goodbye, Part 5: To Treat or Not to Treat

  On Wednesday, my sisters, brother, and I, gathered to discuss how to proceed in my dad's care. Do we continue treatment or begin comfort care in the hospital? As you can imagine, it wasn't an easy decision to make. My father had a second swallow test, which he didn't pass, and we were told...

Saying Goodbye, Part 4: Difference in Perspective

Monday came with no improvement and my father was taken to the Emergency Room via ambulance. It was a rush of fear that went through me as I followed the ambulance to the hospital. By this time my father's condition was pretty bad. He was mostly unresponsive with eyes closed and mouth open. His cough...